Pardon me, but is this horse meat?

This week’s topics include my continued transformation into a Mexican woman, homemade tamales, even the WF has a horrible (aka vomit-inducing) meal sometimes, and the Tebowrito!

The WF is turning into a Mexican woman.  As noted in prior blogs, I’ve been cooking a lot of Mexican food lately.  I absolutely love making Mexican food.  Fresh and bright flavors with as much heat as you want to put in it.

I recently wrote about a pork chile verde I made.  I’ve now moved on to homemade tamales.

Yes.  You read that correctly.  Homemade tamales.

I’ve made tamales with green chile black beans, red chile pork, green chile chicken, and green chile pork.  On a recent Sunday, I spent all day preparing about 4 different fillings.  The following weekend I made tamales.

Here are some photos of me making the pork filling and assembling the red pork tamales.

The review?  Fabulous, though tamales clearly take a while to master.  We’ve all had relatively fresh tamales.  However, there is nothing quite like tamales straight of the steamer.  The masa has this creamy texture.  Frankly, it starts to dry out the longer they sit.  The fresher, the better.

The key to tamales?  Getting the right texture for the masa.  Too wet and it won’t stick to itself when you fold the tamale.  Too dry and you can’t get it off your hands while making them.  You need it just right……..

And, yes, I used lard rather shortening.  Does that surprise you?  Traditional recipes call for lard, not shortening!

                                                        

A Truly Vomit-Inducing Meal.   Recently a colleague of mine and I were driving through rural Arizona for a business meeting.  We decided to stop for a greasy breakfast to soak up the prior night’s festivities. 

The night before I may have hypothetically gone toe to toe drinking Jameson’s with an Irish gentleman in his own pub.  Hypothetically speaking, of course.  I know what you’re thinking, but we’re not here to judge, people.  I’m a weak man for a guy with an Irish brogue, copious amounts of all things Jameson, and his own pub.  And no, it’s not a man crush.  Why do you ask?!

By the way, 30 year old Jameson is a fabulous whiskey that’s also really expensive.  Not my favorite, but a hell of a whiskey. 

Back to the story.  The idea was to stop for a greasy breakfast to sop up the hypothetical whiskey from the night before.  So we stop at the Cracker Barrel in Flagstaff, Arizona.  I’ve eaten at some Cracker Barrels in the past and while I’ve never been terribly impressed, they’ve also usually been an adequate source for your basic greasy breakfast. 

Not this one.  When you first walk in, you are overwhelmed by the stench of potpourri emanating from the gift shop that you have to walk through to get to the restaurant.  It reminded me of growing up in Mississippi and being surrounded by Southern Baptist women on their way to church on Sunday.  Overwhelming floral smells.

I ordered the chicken fried steak and my friend D (aka, Sippy Cup) ordered French toast.  These seemed like good choices.  I ordered chicken fried steak from the quintessential white trash restaurant and D ordered French toast, which anyone can make with their eyes closed. 

We were horribly wrong.  I take a bite of my steak and barely get past the taste of chalky made-from-a-powder-at-best white gravy before the texture and flavor of the ‘meat’ hits me.  It was akin to horse meat left in the sun during World War I which was then frozen for posterity’s sake and thawed just in time to make my wonderful breakfast.  I ate 3 bites or so and pushed it away.  Even I, the Wannabe Foodie and full-fledged goat, could not eat this wretched meal and keep down my vomit.

Surely the French toast was better, right?  Wrong.  It was equally bad.  Seriously – how do you screw up French toast?  I don’t know, but I think the bread wasn’t soaked enough and the bread they used was not made for French toast.  It might have been some odd sourdough or something similar.  Plus, I think it was stale.  It was not vomit-inducing, thought it was really bad. 

By the way, D finished a fair amount of my ‘steak’.  He’s from Nebraska and clearly has a, shall we say, different pallet then mine.  He agreed it was atrocious, and then kept eating it.  Go figure. 

I will eat anything and have had more than my share of bad to awful meals.  This meal was among the top 3 all-time worst meals I’ve ever had.  It might even have a shot at the title.

Now this is what a breakfast should be like!  During a recent trip to Denver, I met my friend J for breakfast at Sam’s # 3 in downtown Denver.  This place was featured on Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives, so I’m thinking it should have some promise.

At first glance, it looks like your basic 70’s style diner.  It could easily be in Pulp Fiction.  Frankly, not all that impressive.  I like it already.

I sit down with J and peruse the menu.  As I’m prone to do, I ask the server if they have any specialties.  “Yes.  Our special breakfast burrito has scrambled eggs, chorizo, tater tots and macaroni and cheese.  It’s topped with our homemade pork green chile verde.”

J and I share a look of “She had me at tater tots, but macaroni and cheese as well?!”

We tell the waitress that it sounds awesome and that we’ll take 2.  I also asked her how in the world someone came up with such a concoction because it sounds like something a bunch of stoners would concoct at 2 a.m.

“Dude!  I want a burrito with … like with some eggs in it.  Do you have any chorizo?  Righteous.  Add that too.  You know what else?  Tater tots!  And, do you have any macaroni and cheese you could throw in there?  Maybe put some of that green sauce stuff on top?  Awesome….”

This thing was awesome.  Check out the photo. 

And, yes, I fell into a food coma shortly after eating it.

Happy Cooking.

WF

Praise the Lord and Pass the Chicken Feet

This week’s topics include grade “A” NC-17 food porn, the best restaurant dish I’ve had in a while, I know god loves me because……, the Things and I test our food boundaries, and it’s getting real in the Whole Foods parking lot!

The Best Dish in a Restaurant I’ve Had in a While.  In downtown Denver, there is a restaurant in the Curtis Hotel called the Corner Office.  All of their food is great and they have a great bar, but there is one dish that I will walk across town in freezing weather to eat.

Lobster macaroni and cheese.  Oh baby.  I’ve had variations on this in various restaurants, but no one has ever done it as well as the Corner Office.  Check out the food porn photo.  That’s NC-17 food porn!

First and foremost, they have chunks of claw and leg hidden in the cheesy goodness like little gifts from heaven.  We’re talking large chunks, too.  Not the strings of lobster that you might find in a bad enchilada or other competitors to this dish.  You’re eating real lobster and you know it.

Second, the cheesy goodness is held together with a sherry cream sauce.  Wow.

Third, right before it’s served they put some breadcrumbs on top and throw it under a salamander, which gives it this nice crunch that you have to break through to get to the lobster goodness underneath.

The next time you’re in Denver, go order this dish and thank me later.  I have one every time I’m in Denver, and rumor has it that I’m a bit of a food snob.  It’s that good.

I Know God Loves Me Because Dim Sum Exists.  I spent a lot of my young adulthood in Los Angeles.  Let’s just say that it my time in L.A. can be summed up as follows:  “Fight on, Trojans!” 

For one year during college, I lived close to Dodger Stadium.  We referred to Dodger Stadium as a 3-4 beer walk. 

 

Which also means that I lived within walking distance of Chinatown and therefore I ate a lot of Dim Sum.

What is Dim Sum, you say?  Frankly, I don’t even know what it officially is.  To the WF, it’s Chinese brunch.  Imagine a restaurant that is roughly the size of a decent sized aircraft hangar.  Now imagine 20-30 Chinese women pushing carts food around the restaurant.  You like what you see?  Order it.  The woman with the cart puts in on your table and marks your card with a stamp of a Chinese character and moves on.  And the process repeats itself every time you see something you like.  Here's a recent photo.  

Best Dim Sum L.A.?  Golden Palace in Chinatown. 

Just imagine the WF and Huey (my companion in juvenile frivolity and college roommate) mowing through pounds of Dim Sum during college.  At that time, we both hovered around 200 lbs and ate like college kids.  Truly disgusting to watch.  Open mouth and insert food.  Repeat as necessary.

I have no idea what each item in Dim Sum costs.  I just know that the WF and his dainty eating friends currently spend roughly $20 per person, plus tip.  We waddle out of there wondering how we could possibly ever eat any more food. 

I also love to test my food boundaries with Dim Sum, to the extent I have food boundaries.  We often go to Dim Sum with P, my Chinese friend by way of Brooklyn, and P is happy to help me test my food boundaries.

Side note.  If a Chinese person says something to the effect of “You don’t want to eat that,” you have two choices:  a) throw caution to the wind and dive in; or b) move on.  In my experience, you should pick b).  Don’t ask me how I know this.

Back to food boundaries.  I often test my food boundaries and the Things usually follow my lead.  During a recent Dim Sum adventure, the Things and I tried jelly fish and chicken feet.  Yes, you read that correctly.  My pre-teen boys eagerly tried jelly fish and chicken feet.  I’m just so damn proud of them.

Chinese jelly fish has awesome flavor and roughly the consistency of rubber bands.  Not my favorite thing in the world. 

Chicken feet are truly an experience.  As near as I can tell, the best way to eat them is to throw most of it in your mouth, slightly chew, enjoy the gelatinous texture, and spit the bones out.  Also not my favorite thing in the world, but we tried it!

Dim Sum is truly an experience and one every foodie should try.  My favorite item is bao, which is somewhat like barbeque pork baked inside of a bun.  The bun is brushed with honey or something similar. 

Here’s a photo.

If you’re in a large city with a large Chinese population, ask around for the best Dim Sum and go try it.  It’s truly an experience.

Whole Foods, Part Deux.  As some of you may recall, I recently wrote about my love for Whole Foods and disdain for some of its holier than thou, Prius driving customers.  I wrote something about enjoying driving my diesel to truck to Whole Foods.

In any event, my friend and fellow curmudgeon H sent me the following video link.  The Whole Foods Parking Lot  If you’ve ever shopped at Whole Foods, you’ll enjoy the video, particularly if you live in L.A.  Trust me.

“I pay my $80 for 6 items and get out!”

Happy cooking.

WF